Reactions of Resentment

The roots are trying their hardest to support growth, but it slowly begins to weather.
With no way to release wastes or circulate oxygen, it becomes a toxic environment.
The water builds up causing root rot, and mold growth.
This stagnant survival will eventually suffocate the plant. 

This is how I view resentment in our bodies.

Resentment is really good at inducing sour feelings and disabling our ability to feel peace, all while stunting growth in our relationships with others (as well as ourselves.)

I began recognizing that heavy toxic feeling within myself.
Specifically in the presence of one sisters.
I judged her every move and criticized her choices relentlessly.
I belittled her experiences and talked down to her.
My sarcastic ‘jokes’ became more like passive aggressive attacks.
And I refused to give her the time of day.

My little sister.

If I were in her shoes, I would have hated to be around me.
I saw how uncomfortable it was for her.

You probably think I’m a complete b*tch for admitting this,
Trust me I feel like an even bigger one for having felt it; but I did.

It became a weight on my heart and a hot spot in my mental space.
I needed to diffuse this situation; otherwise I was going to explode.
That’s when I realized I needed to check myself before I wrecked a family relationship.
(Plus make it really, really awkward for all other relatives.)

I knew I needed to clear the air.

One day, my sister called me out on my actions:
“Did I do something to upset you? I feel like you’re mad at me… all the time.”

This was my wake up call.
I knew I wasn’t treating her fairly.
I was being a terrible big sister.
It was time to listen.

So, I invited her out for a breakfast date.
It was there I apologized for the way I’ve been treating her.

I realized that my actions came from the built up resentment I had harbored for her that all began the day she was born.

Ouch!
Why? 

Because she had everything I wanted!
Two parents under one roof.*
A closer relationship with our father.
No responsibilities as a child.
Access to every extracurricular activity imaginable.
New clothes, vacations and dining out regularly.
In my eyes she had a silver spoon in her mouth with the best ice cream, all while being carried in a golden palanquin.**

Silver spoon or not, there was a long period in her youth where she rebelled.

And I’m not going to lie, she was terrible to our parents!
(Like the kind of terrible where it may be easier to put your child in a boarding school than almost having a heart attack multiple times a week from the shenanigans they put you through.)

But that was one thing I couldn’t understand,
Why she was rebelling?
She had everything.

During that breakfast date we spoke heart to heart.
I listened to her story and learned with a judgment free lens, it was much more complex than what I saw looking in. 

Being eight years apart, it’s amazing how different our experiences were.

An atypical case of things aren’t always what they appear to be.

I realized I hadn’t been aerating,
I had no proper drainage.
All these feelings were dwelling – causing dullness, toxic mold growth, and the slow death of my livelihood.
I was the overwatered plant.

Together, we dug up the mold and replanted our seeds using the fresh soils of communication and forgiveness.

Our strong roots in trust gave way to beautiful blossoms of sisterhood – we have begun to lace our vines with wild adventures, unforgettable moments, and irreplaceable bonding. 

It’s easy as emotional beings to keep our stubborn walls up and create a false reality, all while letting negativity marinate in our minds. 

If you feel any resentment or emotional blocks towards another, work through them.
You will feel humiliated and it will be uncomfortable at first.
But this is a process, the seed won’t sprout overnight.
Nurture it to growth.

Do the work, you’ll be a better version of yourself.

And if you need a little inspiration:
“Let it go, let it go.” -Queen Elsa